When a toxic grandmother comes to visit: an honest discussion about boundaries and guilt when living abroad

You’ve relocated to another country, settled into your new life, and things are finally starting to feel stable. Then, out of nowhere, you get the call: “I want to visit you.” That familiar knot in your stomach returns. On one hand, you almost miss her and feel a certain pull to reconnect. On the other, memories of past pain flood back, and you sense that the anxiety you feel now could hang over your home for weeks. Then come the intrusive thoughts: “But she’s your mom,” “The kids have the right to see their grandmother,” “What will people think if I refuse?”

These questions deserve honest answers. Should you place your kids in an environment you consider harmful or unsafe? Should you share your own fears and anxieties with them? Let’s take a closer look.

The paradox of the perfect grandmother

Many people have seen this scenario play out: a mother who was distant and cold during their childhood suddenly transforms into the ideal grandmother. She lavishes her grandchild with gifts, devotes hours of attention, and offers all the affection you once longed for but never received.

This can be heartbreaking. You might find yourself asking, “Why couldn’t she treat me this way?” The unanswered question weighs heavily. Then comes the guilt: “Am I being selfish? Should I overlook the past so my children can enjoy a happy relationship with their grandmother?” It’s worth exploring what may be driving this sudden shift in her behavior.

A client of mine, Yulia (name changed, story shared with her permission), once said: “My mother never hugged me as a child. Now she won’t stop hugging my daughter. She buys her designer dresses, signs her up for enrichment classes, and then criticizes me for not doing enough. Every visit ends with me feeling like a negligent daughter and a bad mom.”

This pattern is not uncommon, and it often hides deeper motives. For instance:

• Trying to heal her own childhood wounds through the grandchildren.
  Some grandmothers may project their own childhood experiences onto the next generation. If their relationship with their own mother was strained, they might see their granddaughter as a chance to relive their childhood in a healthier, more nurturing way.
• Proving that she is capable of love.
  This can come across as a way of saying, “It was you, not me.” For example, a grandmother might comment: “I don’t know how you managed to have such a wonderful child. You were so difficult, but your daughter is delightful.”
• Exerting control through gifts and favoritism.
  Lavishing the grandchildren with attention can also be a way to undermine the mother’s authority, making her feel inadequate or irrelevant. The grandmother might even say outright: “I know better how to raise children than you do.”

These underlying dynamics often resurface in familiar tones of criticism, unsolicited parenting advice, or meddling in your personal life.

How does this affect the children?

Imagine a child observing their calm, confident mother suddenly become frazzled, anxious, or overly accommodating after the grandmother arrives. They see her bending over backward, trying to please her mom, and losing her own sense of boundaries. What message does this send?

• Personal boundaries can be disregarded for the sake of “family values.”
• Their own feelings are less important than the desires of others.
• Love means sacrificing one’s own comfort.

When we force ourselves to endure toxic dynamics for our children’s sake, we unintentionally teach them that maintaining unhealthy relationships is a norm they should follow.

Guilt vs. responsibility

The idea of letting your mom into your home may feel overwhelming, but saying no can lead to guilt. This guilt often comes from fear: fear of judgment, fear of losing family connections, fear of making things worse with your children, and so on.

However, guilt is often rooted in early conditioning or manipulation. Your primary responsibility is not to please everyone else but to protect your emotional well-being and ensure a healthy environment for your kids. That is your priority.

How to handle a grandmother’s visit

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but here are some steps you can consider:

• Set clear time limits.
  Agree on specific arrival and departure dates. Having a clear end point can ease anxiety for everyone.
• Provide separate accommodations.
  If possible, arrange for the grandmother to stay in a nearby rental. This helps preserve personal space and allows you to control when and how long visits happen.
• Establish ground rules.
  Plan activities and rest times in advance. Discuss what behaviors and topics are off-limits to maintain a comfortable atmosphere.

Learning to say “no” and enforcing boundaries can be challenging. You may hear protests like, “How dare you? I’m your mother!” But setting boundaries is about mutual respect, not rejection. Try gentle, clear statements such as:

• “Mom, I appreciate your advice, but we’ve decided to handle things our way.”
• “Could we plan your visits in advance so we can organize our schedule?”
• “I need some time alone/with the kids; let’s get together tomorrow.”

Talk to your partner to ensure they understand and support these boundaries. Acknowledge your feelings—whether it’s anger, fear, or sadness—and remind yourself that these emotions are valid. You’re not “making things up” or “stuck in the past.” You’re responding to real experiences.

A healthier family dynamic

In the end, love doesn’t require you to sacrifice your psychological well-being. Breaking free from toxic patterns isn’t rejection—it’s self-care. By choosing healthy boundaries, you set an example of self-respect and emotional health for your children.

Sometimes, the greatest gift we can give future generations is a fresh start: breaking the cycle of harmful relationships and creating a more supportive, respectful family environment.

Evgeniya Bogdanova

Clinical Psychologist
Founder of the Toxic Parents Project
www.ToxicParents.org